take a break and try again later

This is rather personal, but I can’t not write this.
TW: no sexual violence per se, but a lot of not-respected boundaries.

There is a Kickstarter project Above The Game: A Guide to Getting Awesome with Women by Ken Hoinsky.

It is a book that uses the techniques of the so called Pickup Artists, which is basically about men manipulating women into sleeping with them.
Often the techniques consist out of deliberately damaging the woman’s — nay: the mark’s — ego.

The controversy has been all over the net, and here’s my 0,02€:

If at any point a girl wants you to stop, she will let you know. If she says “STOP,” or “GET AWAY FROM ME,” or shoves you away, you know she is not interested. It happens. Stop escalating immediately and say this line:

“No problem. I don’t want you to do anything you aren’t comfortable with.”

Memorize that line. It is your go-to when faced with resistance. Say it genuinely, without presumption. All master seducers are also masters at making women feel comfortable. You’ll be no different. If a woman isn’t comfortable, take a break and try again later.

This struck a nerve with me.

My first boyfriend did that.
It was in highschool. I was 17, he was two years older and more experienced.

When we were intimate, he was very dominant. He’d simply do stuff.

He’d touch me where he wanted. And when I pushed away his hand, he’d smile at me and say “oh, you’re not ready for that? Well, we’ll try again later”.

Later was usually about … oh … two minutes later?

He’d try again.

And again.

And again.

Always with this smile that told me “hey, I am so understanding of your situation”

And he’d try again.

Until he’d worn me down.
Until I let him do what he wanted.

I was fortunate.
When he still hadn’t gotten to the close (PUA parlance for sex) after four weeks, he replaced me with a girl who was another two years younger than him (ie, him 20, her 16).

I got out of there with my virginity intact.
It had cost me nothing more that a few blowjobs I gave him just to get him to give it a rest.

But what did it leave me with?

It left me with the knowledge that if I didn’t watch like a hawk, things would happen.

It left me with the knowledge that if I didn’t watch my boundaries, no one would.

It left me with the knowledge that I had to stay aware all the time to make sure my boundaries were respected.


I bet most of you understand that constant vigilance and letting yourself fall into a trusting sexual experience sortof exclude each other.

And I have to say, this first lesson I learned about sex? It’s fucking hard to unlearn.

There you go.

Make of this what you want.

1 comment

  1. Tonnerre 20. June 2013 at 20:26 Reply

    Es tut mir so leid was dir passiert ist! Niemand hat das Recht mit einem Menschen so umzugehen. Ich hoffe, du findest Wege, dich von den Zwängen die du in dieser Situation gelernt hast zu befreien. Lasst uns Bücher wie dieses aus der Welt schaffen, damit solches Verhalten bald der Vergangenheit angehört! Das darf man einfach nicht akzeptieren und sich erst recht nicht ausbreiten lassen. Ich verstehe sowieso nicht, wie Leute überhaupt auf die Idee kommen…

    Und falls jemand an diese Methode glaubt: es lohnt sich für _jeden_, einfach fair und nett zu den anderen zu sein und sie zu respektieren. Dann hat man einen Freund fürs Leben und nicht nur für die nächsten 6 Wochen.

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